I always thought that I'd faced myself honestly, that I had been looking into the mirror of my heart.
But it was a competition that showed me who I really was as a person, and that there was much to do on the road to honesty and bravery.
The only reason I ever cry after competitions is because I didn't perform well, or simply because I lost. This may sound very competitive and - perhaps, arrogant - of me, and yes, I fully admit to it and am willing to change that. But more of that later on.
Just last week, I participated in a public speaking competition. The Chinese part of the competition was impromptu, and thus we had to pick a title and prepare the script in a limited amount of time. As I received an angpau with my six optional titles in it (and not money, sadly), I singled one out and started writing.
This title I picked was 不做温室中的花朵. It meant not to become a flower inside a greenhouse. I wanted to perform well on this title, as I had under-performed in the previous Malay section. Halfway through my script, I added something in that would change my perspective of life forever.
I put in a part about how I always lived in the comfort of a greenhouse - victory. I believe I was so used to victory that I got to a point where I could not accept losses. This way of thinking did falter a bit when I lost in a competition that I had always won - but its roots were never completely destroyed. But by putting in this part of my history in my script, I was finally able to leave that part of me behind and move on.
When I was on stage presenting this part, I nearly pushed myself to the breaking point. Once I got off stage and returned to the safety of my seat, all the emotions bottled up in me were set free. One of the participants (who sat next to me) and the masters of ceremonies on stage were shocked at the sudden outburst. My fellow participant tried to calm me down (she thought I cried because I was disappointed in myself) but later on I explained that I was happy because that was the best script I had ever written in all of my 12 years of school life.
It was the best script because it was not one merely filled with facts, emotionless advice and general statements.
It was something I could relate to, something I could believe in, and something that convinced myself.
That was the first - and I believe, not the last - time I have been truly honest with myself. That was the first time I dared to look into the mirror of my heart and see the scars, the imperfections in it.
Even as I am sitting here, writing about this right now, I feel glad that I am writing this while looking into my personal mirror.
We don't look into the mirror of our hearts not because it is futile or wasting time, but because we refuse the see the imperfections and negative sides of ourselves.
So I guess you could say that we are all similar to Dorian Gray in this respect - by refusing to look at his portrait, he failed to see his sins.
But it's not too late for any of us to look at the mirrors of our hearts.
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